A Letter to My Son on January 21, 2017

January 21, 2017

Dear Barton,

Today is an historic day. Hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people around the world gathered in cities (and small towns) to vocalize their support of women (and others) in light of the recent election and inauguration of Donald Trump as the President of the United States. You are only seven months old right now, so you are blissfully unaware of this entire situation. But I want you to know about it when you are older so that hopefully you can learn from it and/or also know where your family stood on these issues.

As you have probably figured out from photos, your dad and I voted for Hillary Clinton in the presidential election. We were appalled at the numerous inappropriate statements and actions by Trump, and while we both agreed that Hillary had flaws, she also had plans for strong policies that we agreed with – that helped those less fortunate – and she had years of experience to make this happen, and certainly that she knew what she was talking about. But that is behind us now. Trump was elected because of the way our electoral college system works, but not because of the overall popular vote. This is important because it means that millions of people oppose his views. Today’s movement, though, is not against his presidency, but to be clear that there is no mandate on hate and oppression and discrimination.

Today people around the world marched in solidarity and support for our rights. It was officially called the Women’s March, but it was bigger than that. I want to share my thoughts about it with you for many reasons, but there is a selfish part of this letter in that it lets me process my own feelings about it all as I share it with you. Today I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed (not sure Facebook or newsfeeds will still exist when you read this, but I’m sure you can look it up) to see images and video from around the world of people coming together, not so much in protest, but in celebration of humanity and in support of diversity, and my heart swelled with love for my country. You and I did not join in the marches today. You see, as a seven month old, you are in much better spirits when you can eat, sleep, and poop in your usual routine. And while we shake that up at times for various activities, I admit I was nervous about finding a place along the march to change your diaper. Seriously, that was a major limiting factor. But I spent the day checking in on the marches via the internet, and hoping that my support would somehow come through. While you nursed, for example, I used my available hand to check in and be sure all was well and that the marches were successful. Part of what people shared from the marches were the reasons they marched, and so despite the lack of physical attendance, I want to note my own reasons for marching in spirit. And I hope you will someday continue this movement (as I’m sure there will always be more work to do) and embrace these values, too.

My first reason is not about women, but about race. I believe with every fiber of my being that black lives matter. I will not be silent when others retort that “all lives matter” because, sure, of course, those are nice words, but that is not what is playing out in our country in actions on a daily basis. Pay attention to actions, Barton, not words. When Donald Trump said in his inauguration speech, “At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens” my first concern was about how Trump supporters define “citizens” because assumptions about people’s worth based on the color of their skin seem all too pervasive. You can use words about inclusion, but if actions don’t follow, the words mean nothing. Instead it seems that when people say “all lives matter” they mean “all lives that don’t frighten me based on how they look or what I assume they believe.” So Barton, we must say it loudly and clearly – Black Lives Matter!

The next reason is for religious freedom, which includes those who do not practice religion at all. Barton, you know that your parents were raised in Jewish and Catholic faiths, so you already understand diversity of beliefs and the lack of an absolute truth in this realm. Assumptions about “Godless people” run rampant in various communities, and Trump has proposed the idea of a registry of all Muslims (in his words to protect us from terrorism, as if ordinary Muslims are all potential terrorists – in case I’m not clear yet, they are not). No one should be targeted for their belief system or their lack of a belief system. Your great-grandparents were Holocaust survivors, and I wish you (and I, for that matter) had been able to meet them and hear their stories. Instead we hear their stories passed on through your dad and the rest of his family. My least favorite subject in school was always history. It bored me, and I wasn’t very good at memorizing seemingly mundane facts, like the specific dates of an event, such as the Pearl Harbor attack (December 7, 1941…ok, I actually do remember that one). But history is so important because it allows us to see how things occurred in the past in order to (hopefully) not repeat the mistakes of prior generations. We teach the events in the Holocaust, and your dad and I share the stories of your great-grandparents, so that we can recognize the recurrence of similar actions and stop them. We need to do better at teaching more of our own American history, even (and especially) when it makes our country look bad, so that we do not repeat mistakes like our treatment of Natives or of Japanese-Americans during WWII.

Which leads me to the next reason: immigrants. Many people who support anti-immigration actions that Trump proposed, such as building a giant wall between the US and Mexico, believe that job loss in our country can be at least partially explained by immigrants who have taken our jobs. Job loss is complex, and this idea is just a ridiculous scare tactic. Your dad took a pro-bono case once to help an undocumented immigrant obtain a U Visa (a special visa for victims of crimes who cooperate with law enforcement to prosecute those crimes). He told me stories of this man and his family and their friends, many of whom were also immigrants. They enter our country for a variety of reasons, most of them unpleasant and/or inhumane. And once they are here, they are so thankful for what the US has to offer, they become some of the most patriotic members of our society. Obviously, I cannot speak for every single immigrant, but we cannot let the mistakes of some lead to assumptions about all. Plus, we are descendants of immigrants ourselves, as are most Americans at some point in their history. Our friends and people we love are immigrants. We are the same!

And so are women. Yes, obviously I would have women’s rights on my list of reasons I march in spirit with the Women’s March. Let me start by saying that this is multi-faceted. Some people mean reproductive rights, specifically access to abortion, when they talk about women’s rights. Some people mean equality in the workplace. Some people mean protection from sexual assault and harassment. Some mean equality in much broader ways. I mean it all. When people say they are pro-life/anti-abortion, I would expect to see them working to help others avoid unwanted pregnancies, such as providing easy access to birth control through organizations like Planned Parenthood. But I don’t. I would expect to see them fighting for CHIP (the children’s health insurance program that Republicans in Congress recently voted against). But I don’t. So I will. And Barton, I hope you will. The Affordable Care Act, which Trump is working hard to eliminate, requires employers to provide unpaid breaks for breastfeeding mothers to pump breast milk during the work day. This sort of legislation is needed for equality to exist – because we must address our different needs to truly be equal. We need something as simple as a movement to change the language in everyday life so that the leader of our nation does not excuse blatantly oppressive statements about the ability to grab a woman’s genitals as “locker room talk” but instead points out that language perpetuates violence against women by normalizing the perception of women as property. Excusing small offenses normalizes the culture to allow for the big offenses, and none of it is ok. I hope by the time you read this letter, Barton, that you have learned this from me and your dad in action. I could go on and on about the minutiae of our fight for women in this country. This is just a handful of the things we need our government to step up and support in order to inch toward equality for women.

LGBTQ rights. We cannot allow recent progress to be undone. Marriage equality was just one part of the fight for equality throughout domains of life for people born with different sexual orientations. While I’ve tried to be vocal and active in this fight for many years (a counter-protest to a Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church protest in Nashville during college was my first protest), trans rights are a new fight for me. We must accept people for who they are, not how we expect them to be because of the genitalia they had at birth. And we must not allow people to make excuses for intolerance and hate by creating false fears of sexual deviance or molestation.

Support for and trust in science. I have no idea if you will think it is cool that both of your parents have PhDs or horrible because you don’t want to feel pressured to follow in our footsteps. I hope you know there are no expectations that you also become a scientist, but I’m sure you will understand that this issue is an obvious one for me. But it’s not just a selfish plea for the government to continue to fund my research. The private sector invests in research that can lead to quick monetary benefit, but there is much research that we benefit from as a society that will not result in that sort of gain, and thus would not occur without government support. Further, the risk of manipulated results of industry-funded research when there is a clear monetary interest in an outcome is another reason it is so important to have non-biased funding agencies for research. But beyond funding, the new executive branch is dangerously anti-science with regard to its trust for scientific findings. When the overwhelming majority of evidence supports the existence of climate change, the government needs to listen. When the overwhelming majority of evidence supports the safety and huge societal benefit of vaccines, the government must help calm the fears to keep up our herd immunity.

Access to good education. The aforementioned need for history lessons so that we do not repeat our mistakes is one aspect of why this is so important, but it is also important to help level the playing field for those who are born into less fortunate situations – not just academic education, but extracurricular programming in conjunction with strong public schools to support the growth of the whole person. You are seven months old right now and already have a 529 education investment fund.  Most babies in our country don’t. That is a privilege, and you must remember that other people’s paths in life are rougher. We need to help them because when our least privileged members of society can succeed, we all benefit. It can be frustrating when they are portrayed as lazy and “taking handouts” but that is not generally true of those struggling financially.

I know there are more reasons, but I think the other aspect of this movement that started after Trump’s election that really moves me is less political and more emotional. It’s what makes me teary (the happy kind) when I see thousands and thousands of people at marches around the world. It’s that the overarching goal that most of these marchers share is kindness and love toward others. There is anger, of course, and the anger is important. A friend recently shared this quote, “I think from now on, I will not trust anyone who isn’t angry.” –Joanna Russ, “How to Suppress Women’s Writing.” Anger is normal and is what drives this movement forward. But the anger comes from the lack of recognition and kindness evidenced by the most vocal Trump supporters and often by Trump himself. Underneath that anger is love.

And let me also make another note about anger. There are times in a movement when anger will be directed within our group because of past (and at times continued) silence and complacency. That is an important part of this, but we must use the love and kindness aspect of this to get through. A different friend posted this a few days ago, “Interesting, well to me it is. So many thugs, I mean protestors, marchers whatever coming out in support of women and whoever else but but but where were all your fb posts and show up of support for the BLM protests?”  At first, I felt an urge to defend the positive intent of a sudden motivation to take action in light of Trump’s election and inauguration, but in truth, although I agreed with the message of the Black Lives Matter protests and wrote occasional posts in support, I never joined them or loudly honored them anywhere. I must acknowledge those who have been fighting to be heard for much longer than I have. For many of us, Trump’s election was a tipping point where the fear became real enough and disturbing enough to take action, but why weren’t we taking action before? The fear of others has been just as real all along. So yes, I get uncomfortable when I am correctly called out on my silence, but that discomfort stems from the fact that I DO support causes like BLM, and it feels bad to realize that I was wrong to sit idly by in the safety of my home silent. The discomfort is because I WANT to show kindness, but I don’t always do it when or how I should. I have lived with privilege throughout my life – based on my race, my economic status, my educational attainment, etc. This allows me to remain silent whenever it’s inconvenient to speak up. And so I want to make a change by wearing my kindness in a more obvious way and speaking up for those with less privilege whenever I can. I hope, Barton, that by the time you read this letter, those words will be read with a nod and the memories of your mom taking actions to follow through on this. I look forward to the time in the future when I am not thinking about dirty diapers and can join where I am needed to make my voice heard in support of others and these needs we all share. And I hope, Barton, that by the time you read this, you will be doing the same.

Love,

Your momma.

Ferguson

I know I haven't written here in over a year, but this week, my mind keeps going back to the riots and protests related to the non-indictment of Officer Darren Wilson in the killing of Michael Brown. It even came up as an oh-so-pleasant Thanksgiving dinner topic. As a psychologist, I find myself not assigning blame as much as identifying a very flawed system. As a white female, I find myself realizing all the instances of my white privilege that make it difficult to fully understand all perspectives. My friend Nathan wrote on Facebook, "And so begins the flood of posts about how people don't understand the anger behind the destructive response that some (emphasis on some, as plenty are protesting peacefully) are displaying in Ferguson. Posts about how it doesn't make sense. I'll be honest, it doesn't make sense to me either. But thoughtful reflection brings me to the conclusion that it takes some life experiences profoundly different from mine for such a reaction to make sense. So what I can say that I understand for sure is that I am thankful as hell that it doesn't make sense to me. I'm glad, and fortunate, that my life experiences have not led me to a place where it makes sense." 

As I was reading some of the racist comments on various internet sites over the week, I would notice my heart rate elevate and find myself closing the window to get away from that feeling. But I can only get away from those comments because of the color of my skin. If I were black, I would have to face those realities everyday.

My cousins have been foster parents to a black baby for almost 2 years now. A year ago, they took in his newborn brother. So they are currently parents to two black toddlers. At this age, they are cute and non-threatening. But in 10+ years, they are going to look a lot like Michael Brown. And it makes me scared for these sweet little boys. I hope they learn to listen to cops so that they are not considered a threat. But what if the cop is being unreasonable? Should we really always follow unreasonable requests? We should be able to question authority in this country. A few years ago, a neighbor of mine was stopped in front of our apartment building on a felony stop. For those who do not know what this is, when someone is suspected of a felony, they are stopped with multiple cop cars (in this case 7), guns out (between 10-15 guns in this instance), with instructions to drop to the ground in a very specific manner. When this occurred outside of my apartment, there was a moment when my neighbor (who had no idea why he would have been stopped) was told to "face the wall." The place where he was standing was bordered by a half wall to his left and a gate into the apartment garage ahead of him. He assumed when the cop said "wall" that he meant the half wall. So that is the direction he faced. The cop yelled again, "face the f*cking wall!" Again, multiple cops had their guns pointed at my unarmed neighbor while this was going on. Confused, my neighbor looked around to try to figure out which direction he was being told to face. There was no way to clarify the instructions. He eventually figured out that they wanted him to face the gate to the garage, at which point he was able to follow the rest of the instructions (drop to his knees, hands behind his head, then lay down, face down, on the ground). I wonder so often what I would have done in that confusion. I wonder what someone younger may have done in that confusion. And I wonder what it would have taken for one of those many guns to have fired. It is important to note that my neighbor was a white man around age 45, and the suspected felony was theft, for which he was later cleared - no charges were ever filed. It was all a mistake. But I wonder if the same mistake had happened to a teenage black male, and the same confusion about which way to face had occurred, would the teenager be alive today? This is a real question, and in my opinion, this is the real issue in all of these protests. It is not whether Michael Brown was a "thug" or a criminal or whether he was appropriate in his behavior. There are too many unknowns that will never be clarified. But there is a real concern about perceived danger that is relevant to all of these shootings of black men by cops. Will the same behavior in a white man lead to the same outcome as that of a black man? There is a lot of evidence from psychology research to suggest it will not. And that is a problem.

Michael Brown stole some cigarillos before he was killed. Think back to when you were a teenager. I personally never stole anything, but I was a goodie-two-shoes kind of kid. I certainly knew of other teens who stole things. They were not bad people - just misguided and making poor choices. We know that brain development, particularly development of the brain areas responsible for inhibitory control, the ability to stop ourselves from certain behaviors, is still occurring through age 25. This does not excuse this sort of behavior, but for me it puts it in a different light. This behavior does not reflect a "criminal" mind, but a mind that is still developing. Should there be consequences to that sort of behavior? Absolutely. That is how learning takes place, which is another aspect of brain development. Should that consequence be death? Absolutely not. We would be killing off a large percentage of our population if petty theft became punishable by death. But the difference in whether something like this leads to death is the perception of the characteristics of the person who is stealing. If Michael Brown had been white, would the officer have approached him in a less threatening manner? My guess is that he would have been perceived as a "troubled teen acting out" rather than a "dangerous criminal." In Officer Wilson's description of the events that unfolded, he described Brown as looking like a "demon." Yes, he used the word demon. Would that same feeling have come about if Brown were white? I don't think so.

And here is why. A research study by Duncan in 1976 showed that white observers considered a shove by a black perpetrator more aggressive than the same shove by a white perpetrator. Furthermore, they attributed situational factors as influencing the behavior of the white perpetrator, but more personal factors (characteristic of the person) as influencing the behavior of the black perpetrator. In 2003, Hugenberg and Bodenhausen found an implicit prejudice in white volunteers with a greater readiness to perceive anger in black faces, but not white faces. And even more directly related to cases of police officers shooting black men, research has used video games to highlight the bias at play here. Participants were to shoot anyone in the video game holding a gun and not shoot if they were carrying anything else. Participants shot armed targets more quickly and frequently when they were black and decided not to shoot unarmed targets more quickly and frequently when they were white. (Correll et al., 2002). This has been replicated with brain data to support the effect (Correll, Urlo, & Ito, 2006). A similar study with white cops/black criminals versus black cops/white criminals in the video game found similar racial bias, with blacks being incorrectly shot at more than whites (Greenwald, Oakes, & Hoffman, 2003). And there are more and more studies noting various aspects of these perceptual biases.

So knowing that these biases are real. Knowing that it can be impossible to follow the instructions of cops all the time - misunderstandings and confusion can be real. Knowing that sometimes kids do stupid things - kids of all races. How do we stop innocent* people from dying? (*And yes, I know theft is a crime, but it is not a crime punishable by death). Regardless of what you think about Michael Brown and Darren Wilson, this issue is real, and it is not going away unless we do something about it systematically.

And I have have a new home (I admit this post is a bit belated)

Remember when I last wrote here about my housing situation? Yeah, I found a new place and moved in April, but life has been going at a ridiculous pace, and so I never posted an update.

I'm now living half a block from my old place, in a bi-level loft apartment with my boyfriend Todd. He moved across the bay from Oakland, increasing his commute to work, but ensuring that my commute didn't have to change since it already takes me an hour each way (tonight: make that 1.5 hours due to a car stuck on the train tracks).

As many people have expressed interest, I finally took pictures of the new place and thought I would share. Our biggest complaint about the new place is the kitchen. We have very few cabinets and even fewer drawers, so storing everything is a bit of a challenge. I think we've made the most of it, though, and I'm happy with how things have turned out. We did have the landlords replace the 24 year old microwave and dishwasher, and they offered to renovate the entire kitchen at first, but scheduling and arranging the details of all of that was becoming incredibly difficult considering that our landlords live about an hour out of town. So we settled for appliances.

And now for pictures (click to enlarge).

This is a converted warehouse, so the window is huge and the outside wall and ceiling are concrete.

View from the entry hall looking toward the living room

The closet area upstairs where we have our dressers (and hanging clothes along the wall to the left)

Our bedroom is a lofted area overlooking the rest of the apartment. We have a skylight and a hatch where we can climb a ladder for roof access. This (and the lack of window screens) means we end up with a few mosquitos inside, hence the mosquito net on the bed.

The bathroom is underneath the upstairs closet area, immediately to the left of the front door.

The kitchen with no storage - and our IKEA shelf solution.

View from the bedroom

It's never finished

My last post was about the coffee table I had custom made by an artist on Etsy. The final piece of furniture to complete my home. Done. Nothing else to get. I was so excited. It arrived on February 18th. On February 19th, I found out that my apartment needs to be combined with the apartment next door in order to comply with city codes, so I will have to move out at the end of my lease.

Seriously? Ugh. The story is like this. My building is a bunch of live/work lofts. These were approved by the city back when they were built in 2003. The original configuration of units in the building showed large lofts that could be used for both live and work space. My unit is 600 square feet. Perfect for a woman and her dog. Not ideal to run a full blown business and house a woman and her dog. (Although, to be perfectly honest, depending on what your business is, it could definitely be accomplished). The size isn't really the issue, though. The issue is that my 600 square foot unit was never approved by the city. The official plans were approved, and the building owner took it upon himself to divide some of the units into two in order to increase his profits (you can get more rent money from two smaller units than one larger units). Fast forward 9+ years, and the building was sold last December to a large company, Essex Property Trust. They learned of the discrepancy between the approved configurations and the actual configuration and tried to have the city approve the actual units that are in place. Since 2003, apparently a moratorium on new live/work spaces was placed in the neighborhood. So approving the current configuration would be like approving 35 new live/work spaces despite the moratorium. According to Essex, the city said its hands were tied. Now, the city did not say, "Essex, you must return the units to the approved configuration." The city only acts on zoning violations if someone submits a complaint. And in 9+ years with a lot of happy tenants, no one has complained. So Essex COULD keep the current configuration that is not in compliance and hope that this pattern continues, with no complaints. However, being a large company that fears litigation, apparently, they are choosing to put the units back into their originally approved formation. This means, my unit and my next door neighbor's unit will be combined into one unit of 1296 square feet. We each have the option to move back into the combined unit, but it will be at market rent, which means about double what I pay now. No thank you. (I also have been confused about how we can BOTH have the option to move back into the combined space. Seems like we'd have to do a little roshambo or something...)

The housing market in San Francisco sucks. I direct you to this post about last year's apartment search. It seems that fewer units are available in March than in June/July, but fewer people seem to be looking for them, too. That is good, but the pet issue still remains. And even worse than last year is the cost. Rents seem to have increased even more in the last year. The cheapest places I have found in my neighborhood are smaller than mine and cost about $600 more per month. It's absurd.

In addition to the annoyance of house hunting, the cost of moving is not something I had anticipated so soon. I intended to be here indefinitely. Obviously, there is always the chance that something could come up after your lease term expires, but had I known that my unit was essentially not in existence according to the city, I might have thought a little harder about whether I would have signed my lease last year.

And now I have the additional hassle of making my furniture fit into a new space. And/or finding new pieces to make a new space work. All over again.

So to the sketchy building owners who made this all happen, thanks. As if I didn't already have enough to do...

Coffee Table Part 1

Part 1 because I ordered it, but it's being created and won't be here for a few weeks. After months and months of searching and debating and hesitating and wishing I had unlimited funds, I had pretty much set my heart on a Vladimir Kagan sculptural coffee table. Then I saw some Adrian Pearsall tables, and thought maybe that was what I wanted instead. It didn't really matter because both are rare and cost over $1,000. Then I decided that I had a functional frustration with those tables anyway (yes, functional frustration...I just made that up). I liked how my old coffee table had a shelf underneath to stash magazines or coffee table books. The sculptural base tables were just wood with a piece of glass on top. I still love the look, but I wasn't in love enough to justify the cost.

So back to square one, I started some random searches online. My friend Kristen suggested that I talk to artists who make furniture about the style that I like and my desire for a shelf. Perhaps I could just have something made. So I decided to check out Etsy, and I came across a woman in LA who makes industrial style furniture out of salvaged steel. And suddenly the idea of the soft wooden sculptural look was gone. I'm still going glass, but I'm getting a shelf. And I'm getting a completely unique look with a salvaged steel base. Here is the basic idea of the table, but she's customizing it for me so that it will have glass on both top and bottom. It should be here at the end of the month/beginning of next month. I'm so excited! I'll post pictures of the room after it arrives.

For a look at what sorts of tables I had been considering over the last few months, you can see my Living Room Pinterest board.

Fulfilling

My first anorexia patient during internship at UCLA had to be fed via NG tube because of persistent food refusal. She asked for a clinical review to be released from the hospital because she didn't want to be there. She sat silent through our first 3-4 weeks of therapy in effort to derail treatment and just maintain her eating disorder. Her peers on the inpatient unit tried to throw her a 16th birthday party because she was in the hospital. They laughed and danced, and she sat in the corner reading with her hair covering her face.

Yesterday, 3.5 years after I first met her, she sent me a link to her Pinterest page. She is posting recipes for FOOD and awesome inspirational/motivational quotes. And other things that healthy teenage girls do.

I love my job.

Politics

Apologies in advance to those of you who were hoping to see more pictures of my apartment or some story about a concert I saw recently. I did buy a washer and dryer finally, and my most recent purchase was new pillows, sheets, and towels, which is really exciting (and the degree of my excitement definitely makes me feel old).

Instead this post is more in line with the election season. I recently read this quote from Doug Wright, author of Grey Gardens and Tony Award and Pulitzer Prize winner:

I wish my moderate Republican friends would simply be honest. They all say they’re voting for Romney because of his economic policies (tenuous and ill-formed as they are), and that they disagree with him on gay rights. Fine. Then look me in the eye, speak with a level clear voice, and say, “My taxes and take-home pay mean more than your fundamental civil rights, the sanctity of your marriage, your right to visit an ailing spouse in the hospital, your dignity as a citizen of this country, your healthcare, your right to inherit, the mental welfare and emotional well-being of your youth, and your very personhood.”

It’s like voting for George Wallace during the Civil Rights movements, and apologizing for his racism. You’re still complicit. You’re still perpetuating anti-gay legislation and cultural homophobia. You don’t get to walk away clean, because you say you “disagree” with your candidate on these issues.

It really resonated with me, but I felt there was more to be said. I have the echos of many Republican relatives in my head, noting that the economy may very well be more important than civil rights because if our economy collapses, it doesn't matter who is married or not if they cannot afford to live. I could challenge that one directly (civil rights in the face of an ailing economy may be even more important...), but I don't think I even need to. You see, the economy is such a large unknown. So complex and multi-faceted. The way it all plays out is this complicated Rube Goldberg machine with so many pieces to place. The difference is that we can plan out a Rube Goldberg machine to ensure that it flows just right, but there are too many unknowns and uncertainties with the economy. If there was one clear and sure-fire plan, then the best economists in our country would be able to come to an agreement about what is going to get us out of this enormous deficit. That hasn't happened. Some studies say this. Some studies say that. There is no consensus.

That is my problem with putting the economy above civil rights. A Romney presidency would certainly support DOMA and other anti-equality legislature. He has said as much. We know the consequences of this. It means many of my friends will continue to struggle with acceptance of their relationships in our society and will continue to be denied the legal rights to function as a family just as our heterosexual friends do. So we know what the outcome for this basic human right will be if Romney is elected, and it's not good.

The economy, though, is an unknown. I've heard some people say it's going to be bad no matter who wins. I have heard some say it will be better with Romney. I have heard some say it will be better with Obama. The truth is that economic recovery is going to be slow regardless, and there are many paths that may get us there. So if you say you're voting for Romney because of economics and despite his position on gay rights...well, it's even more of a slap in the face than Doug Wright notes. It's not just choosing the economy over the rights and well-being of an entire subset of our population. It's choosing the POSSIBILITY of a better economy over the CERTAINTY of poorer outcome for the rights and well-being of an entire subset of our population.

For me, this is a no-brainer.

San Francisco Apartment - Bedroom & Bathroom

The bedroom and bathroom are probably the most unlike my old apartment. I had been transitioning out of the old traditional hand-me-down furniture that my mom gave me 8 years ago when I graduated from college, but the bedroom set was a tough one to bite the bullet on and sell. It was nice furniture, but just not my style. In the end, I decided that I didn't want it to make the move to San Francisco, and a friend of mine in LA is quite happy about that (since she got the furniture when I left).

I had wanted a canopy bed for quite a while, previously loving a basic black wood frame from Crate & Barrel. But a month or so before I moved, I saw this iron one from Room & Board (Architecture Bed). It was perfect - very straight, basic lines. I bought the bedding a while ago in anticipation of the more modern look. It's all IKEA, so it will probably be updated at some point, but it works for now.

For nightstands, I wanted something unique. I love seeing the varied things that people do to the IKEA Rast dresser, and I wanted to give it a shot. I wouldn't be able to fit one on each side, though, so I focused on one, and then found another table to go on the other side. I didn't want to put too much money into it, so I went with paint, an overlay for some texture, and new knobs. I actually prefer the look of the dresser without knobs at all, but since the Rast drawers are pretty difficult to open without knobs, that wasn't a very functional solution. The other nightstand is a metal table from Urban Outfitters. The price and the size were perfect. The overall feel of the table is just so-so, but it will do for now!

As for the bathroom, I went from a bathroom with tons of cabinet space underneath a long vanity with double sinks to this small cabinet under the sink and no vanity space at all. My mom suggested getting a small IKEA Expedit for extra storage and counter space, and it was a great idea. I still do not have a washer/dryer unit, but I'm on the hunt! I'm also hoping to buy white towels at some point soon! Other than that, the bathroom is done!

IKEA Rast hack next to the bed

With limited closet space, hooks for scarves seemed like the best use of this blank space between the bathroom and sliding doors.

Urban Outfitters metal table on the other side of the bed. And Ava's dog bed.

Shower curtain and rugs from West Elm

San Francisco Apartment - Kitchen

There are two main additions to the kitchen that I'm pretty proud of. First, the IKEA island. I went back and forth about what size and style of island to get, but ended up getting the unfinished Groland island from IKEA. The initial plan was to stain the legs a shade of walnut, but the wood didn't take the stain very well. My mom worked all day on it, and neither of us were happy with the end result. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't like it after she spent so much time and work on it, but by the end of the night, she suggested that we start over and paint the legs instead. So she bought black paint and painted over what she had stained. The final product was a perfect complement to the maple cabinets and black appliances that came with the apartment.

I had sold my old table and chairs before the move, knowing that they were too big for this smaller apartment. But I was happy to realize that a smaller round table and chairs would fit. I found this set on Craigslist for only $200! It's all Room & Board that usually sells for well over $500. She only had 3 chairs, but they are almost identical to the chair I have at my desk, which I will just add to the table if I have more than 2 people over.

San Francisco Apartment - Entry and Living Room

These rooms were just completely finished yesterday and today with some final touches. First, the entry. I knew I wanted to somehow separate the space to make it feel more useful than one large open area. I have seen desks along the backs of sofas before, and it appealed to me for a number of reasons. First, it would allow me to have my desk without taking up wall space. Second, I have always grumbled about not being able to see the TV while I'm on the computer. I multi-task all the time, so having a movie or something on in the background while I am working is nice. I also knew I wanted the IKEA Expedit shelving for this space. I'd been wanting it for a while because I think it's a little easier to style the shelving in the squares than a traditional bookcase. I also knew I would need a little extra storage for files, so the boxes that fit right into the squares were definitely of interest. Finally, the other main piece of furniture in the entry is my dresser. My bedroom is too small for the dresser to fit, and it was originally built by my great-grandfather, so there is no way I was getting rid of it. I did change out the pulls, though, to let it fit a bit better with my overall style. My mom painted an old mirror that I had, I bought the Z Gallerie lamp that I had been loving via Pinterest, and added an old coat rack in the corner that I found on Craigslist. Closet space is not abundant in this apartment, so the coat rack was a needed alternative. The nook by the front door that had been used as storage is still used that way. I replaced the curtains with something darker.

The living room is basically the same as in my old West Hollywood apartment, minus the coffee table, which I had sold prior to the move. And my old (but recently reupholstered) chair and ottoman from my old study has been added to the group. The other major thing about this area (and the entry) is that most of the long wall of the apartment is textured concrete. My landlord does not allow drilling into the concrete, so hanging pictures was a challenge. After experimenting with the adhesive hangers that supposedly hang heavy pictures on concrete (but don't work on texture), I finally came up with a solution. I bought 1x4 and 1x6 pieces of wood, painted them brown, and leaned them against the concrete wall. They make me a little nervous, but at least my pictures are up. I think I might invest in some sandbags or something for the base to secure them a bit more.

Apartment Pictures - Before

So I am FINALLY able to post pictures of my place. It's been a long process of getting things that I need and organizing (read: trashing) things that I had that don't seem to fit in this smaller space. But this weekend, I'm finally finished! I mean, well, finished as much as I will be for the near future. I still need a coffee table, and there are always things on my "wish list" (hello, Eames Lounge that I may never afford). But as a friend recently pointed out, my dog is quite happy having the space in the living room rather than a coffee table, so it can wait. I am also not perfectly happy with the things on top of my dresser nor am I completely satisfied by the side table I bought for one side of the bed. But overall, this is finally a livable space!

In this post, I'll put the move-in pictures of the empty space so you can see what I was working with. I'll go room by room in the next few posts with pictures of the finished product.

The bedroom "closet"

Looking into the bedroom. Sliding doors come from the left. Giant concrete pillar right in the middle.

Bathroom

Laundry hook-ups. I have yet to purchase a washer/dryer.

Bathroom.

Looking into the main living space from the bedroom.

Looking back toward the front door. Makeshift closet to the left of the door.

My awesome view of a yellow wall.

Looking in from the front door.

Kitchen ends on the left side of the picture. Bedroom door and storage  space as seen from the corner of the living room.

House Update

I also realized that my last post was a frustrated one about house hunting. I keep meaning to follow-up with a post about the place I found, but I want to wait until I have pictures of everything all put together and finished. I have a couple of projects that I need to finish up before I can do that, so stay tuned!

Moods

This morning on the train (yes, I now take the train to work everyday, and am feeling very Mad Men about it) I was considering the fact that I would like to stay in bed today instead of coming to work. Next thought, "Jeesh, you used to be such an overachiever...what happened to you, sudden slacker?"

Then the train stopped, and I checked my email as I walked to my office.

Subject line: 2012 Young Investigator Grant.

Emotion: !!! (but uncertainty because I haven't read the body of the email yet).

I got the grant! I applied for this grant almost a year ago. I was supposed to hear back in March, but they kept delaying notification. But today, I found out that I got it! Not feeling so much like a slacker anymore! I've just been having these moments of "can I really pull this whole research career thing off the way I have been so far or am I going to burn out soon?" So moments like these are reassuring. Yes, I can pull this whole research career thing off. I can do this, and I love it.

House Hunt

It's been months since I last posted anything here, and now Blogger is all different. It just took me a full minute to find the "New Post" button. I guess that's my punishment for never writing.

I decided to write tonight, though, because I'm cranky and want to vent. I'm moving to the Bay Area in less than a month, and I do not yet have a place to live. I have moved many times, sometimes to places far away. It has always worked the same way, whether I was there in person or negotiating things over the phone and internet. I find a place. I like the place. I apply to live in the place. They approve me, and I sign a lease. Done. It's always sort of been on a first-come-first-serve basis. Since I was willing to take the leap on a lease first, then I get the place.

Apparently, that's not how it works in San Francisco. Instead, they will take your application and hold it. And hold it. And hold it. They won't tell you that you're not getting the apartment, but they don't let you sign a lease either. When you ask for a timeline, they say things like, "well, we're having another open house on Thursday." Um, why would you need to have another open house, when you have me sitting right here, ready and willing to sign a lease and give you money?! My application says that I am about to start a faculty position at Stanford. It says that I've never been evicted, declared bankruptcy, etc. My landlord's info is all there, so you can obtain proof that I'm a good tenant. Why would you not just go with it and get the place leased? Apparently, they want to have a "pool of applicants" to choose from. Really? Is this a job application? Leasing a home seems sort of like one of those threshold things - you're either a good tenant or you're not. I'm not sure how you choose the best one out of a group of people who all have perfect rental histories. "I'm sorry, you're great credit score is not quite AS high as this other person's great credit score, so I'm going to go with them."

Or maybe it's my dog. Applicant A has a stable job, good credit, clean rental history, and no pets. Applicant B has a stable job, good credit, clean rental history, and a dog. Any landlord is going to pick Applicant A. I understand this perspective in terms of risk for damage to property, noise problems, etc. Even a dog with great references is technically a risk - cause what if someone lied? So I get it. But it still screws me over. "I understand that you are a great tenant, pay your bills on time, keep your home clean and well-maintained, but since you have a dog, you really should just go live in a van by the river..." Or that's what it feels like people are saying.

I currently have 4 applications in on various properties. I've been trying to get an application for a 5th one, but he keeps ignoring my emails. I've never had to put in more than 1 application during home searches before - I just apply to the one I want, get approved, and then I have a home. Not so much anymore. In 3.5 weeks, I will be living in the Bay Area, but I may not be living there in my own home... Anyone have a van by the river I could check out?

2 Random Thoughts

I know I haven't written anything in ages. That's how it goes. So my first post in 2012 is 2 totally random and unrelated thoughts. Again, that's just how it goes...

1. Obama's campaign people just put up a Spotify playlist for the campaign. First, I wonder if our founding fathers ever imagined that being successful in politics would require finding staff who can pick out music with mass appeal for use on the campaign? Second, when they include Ray LaMontagne's "You Are The Best Thing," do they mean that Obama is the best thing in our lives? Or are we the best thing in Obama's life? (Dad, no need to respond to this. I know your answer. ;))

2. I take the bus daily to/from work. I live in Los Angeles. This makes my stress level infinitely better than if I drove. I sit back, relax, read a book or magazine, or just zone out. All while the rest of my city sits in anger about some jackass cutting them off on Sunset Blvd. Despite the clear superiority of bus-riding to driving (in my opinion), it is not without its downsides. My biggest bus pet peeve lately has to do with seat selection. I feel like it's an unwritten rule that you do not choose a seat next to someone unless all other options are taken. So today, when there was a full row of seats in front of me open, and random dude chose to sit right next to me, I was a little peeved. I dealt with it, but it's still annoying. Also annoying? When all rows are taken, so people justifiably begin sitting next to strangers, why do they always have to pick me? I know I'm thin and shower daily, which probably makes me a more desirable seat neighbor than many other bus riders, but ugh. It just feels unfair. Why do I take the bus if I clearly have such issues sharing space with strangers? Well, I guess the pros outweigh the cons. But I can still complain, right?

Best of 2011!

I finally finished my Best of 2011 playlist. I cheated this year and have a list of runners-up because it was really tough to choose. This post is actually going to be a copy/paste from an email that went out minutes ago. If you want to be on that email list, I send weekly emails with playlists throughout the year - with the Best of 2011 mix at the end. My former radio show co-host Ida might add occasionally (she has a best of list up today, too). If you're interested, email me at sundaynightsleepover(at)gmail.com to be added to the list.

So here's the list with full on commentary:

Best of 2011 - albums that I loved as a whole have a * before the name:

*Jay-Z & Kanye West - Ni**as in Paris: Ok, this one was a tough tough choice. I had Otis in here for while, but eventually settled on this one for a few reasons. First, part of why I love Otis is because I already love Otis Redding. On the other hand Ni**as in Paris feels very 2011 to me. "That Shit Cray" seemed everywhere. Aziz Ansari and his friend texted the song to each other in emoticons, and the lyrics just make me giggle. Working out this morning, this song came on, and at the part where Kanye says "What she order?" everyone around me said in unison "Fish fillet." Plus they sang this song over and over and over and over (I think up to about 10 times at one show) as the encore or finale at their concerts. So I heard. I didn't go. So it won the "best" over Otis simply because it felt a little more relevant to the year. See how complicated this is? That's why it takes me so long to make these lists. I overthink everything. :)

*The Rapture - Children: I hadn't heard of The Rapture until this past year when a friend gave me an old album of theirs. Then very soon afterward, they announced that they were releasing a new album. I felt so-so about the old album that I was given, but I really like the new one.

*Future People - Naturally

Foster the People - Pumped Up Kicks: I got a little sick of this song over the year, honestly. So much that I wasn't going to put it on the list. But if I'm being honest, I did really love it this year. If it was playing on the radio as I was scanning stations, I always stopped.

*Portugal. The Man - You Carried Us (Share With Me The Sun): I only listened to this album because of Spotify. 2011 was definitely the year of Spotify, although now I'm getting the feeling that 2012 is going to be the year of Rdio. I hate changing trends. Why can't we pick something and stick with it? Man, that makes me sound old. In truth, I tried Rdio, and I didn't love it, but it may be because I was used to Spotify already. Who knows. Anyway, I found this album through Spotify and listened to it a ton. It was hard to pick a single track off the album, but I think this one is the best.

*The Black Keys - Lonely Boy: This album is great. I was never a big fan of The Black Keys until their last album, but they're keeping up with the good. This was the first single off the album, and I still think it's the best.

Tune-Yards - Gangsta: I can't decide what I think about this album as a whole. Sometimes I like it. I listened to Ida's Best of 2011 mix, and I like Bizness in her mix, but I don't always love it when it comes on my iTunes. So it confuses me. I do always like this song, though.

*Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out: I had a hard time picking the best song from this album. I like a bunch of them pretty equally. This song ended up making the cut because it's so versatile. I heard so many remixes of this song, and actually liked them. That never happens.

TV on the Radio - You

*M83 - Midnight City: I can't tell if it's just synth or weird vocal manipulations or what - but the sounds throughout this song intrigue me so much.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Maniac

*Lykke Li - Jerome: This album was full of great songs, but this one always stood out to me.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep: I did not share the world's obsession with Adele. I think this album is "ok" but I don't love it. This song, however, is really great.

*I Break Horses - Pulse: This is another Spotify discovery. The album grew on my each time I listened to it, and it ended up being one of my favorites from the year.

*Cults - You Know What I Mean: If you go purely on iTunes number of plays, this album wins big time. I think I listened to the whole album on repeat through the month of June. I almost put Go Outside on the list, but this one grabs me a bit more for some reason. Seems a little more impassioned.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know: So this video has been making the rounds over the last few months, but I didn't pay that much attention. Then in the last few weeks, it was being referenced all over the place. And then my friend's band played a show with him that sold out. And I was like, "ok, jeesh, I'll listen! I'll listen!" Turns out, I am not that crazy about the album as a whole, but this song is really great. If you watch the video with it, I think it's even better.

*Bon Iver - Calgary: It was incredibly tough to pick a song off of this album. I think I started with about 5 on the list. I could have ended up with any of them, really.

*Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues

*Washed Out - Amor Fati: I felt so-so about Washed Out before his first full-length album came out last summer, but this album sucked me in so fast. It was the album that finally got me out of my Cults rut.

*Blind Pilot - New York: Another really tough decision from this album, but seeing them perform these song live in November really changed the way I heard this song. It is beautiful and felt like a really great way to end the list and end the year. You can see a live version of it on Vimeo.

And...cause I'm a cheater...here are the contenders for best-of-2011:

James Blake & Bon Iver - Fall Creek Boys Choir: James Blake put out a pretty good, interesting album this year. But his collaboration with Bon Iver really stood out more to me. Even with the dog barks. Or maybe it's because of them...

*The Decemberists - This is Why We Fight: I really loved this album, but none of the songs stood out enough to me to make the final list.

Feist - How Come You Never Go There: I was honestly a little disappointed in the Feist album this year, but it may not be that fair since I had pretty high expectations. The problem with putting out a great album is that your next album has to measure up...

Waters - Take Me Out To The Coast: This is another case of "good, but not quite good enough to be the 'best.'"

Thao & Mirah - How Dare You: This song is the best blend of their sounds on the whole album.

*Florence + The Machine - Landscape (Demo): This song only appears as a bonus on Ceremonials, but I love it.

Beirut - Santa Fe: I wanted this to be a best, but it just didn't seem to fit quite right.

*Washed Out - Far Away: I went back and forth between this one and Amor Fati for the final list. It almost came down to a coin toss...

Lana Del Rey - Video Games: I wanted to put this song on the final list just because I felt like people wouldn't stop talking about her in 2011. Is she fake or not? Are her lips fake or not? Is her music good? When deciding what music to listen to, I don't really care what someone's lips look like. Although having seen her interviewed a couple of places, I'm not sure how crazy I am about her in general. And her lyrics in general are not so hot. But this song still sucked me in, so she gets credit for that. Fake lips or not.

The Antlers - No Widows

St. Vincent - Northern Lights

Death Cab for Cutie - Some Boys: I was done with Death Cab until this album came out this year, but decided to give them another shot. It wasn't my favorite album by any means, but it was much better than expected.

*Blind Pilot - We Are The Tide: I almost put this on the list, but since I have heard them play this at shows since 2008, it didn't quite feel as 2011 as New York did. It's still an awesome song and always makes me want to dance.

Starfucker - Bury Us Alive

*Jay-Z & Kanye West - Otis

Tom Waits - New Year's Eve: This song just felt appropriate to end with. :)

Links:

Best of 2011

Almost Best of 2011

Spotify:

Best of 2011

Almost Best of 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Wishing you best in the 2012.

[Old Best-of lists: 2008, 2009, 2010]

Dear Neighbors

To whomever called the police last night to file a noise complaint against me:

I completely respect your right to peace and quiet in your home. I would never want to disturb that, which is why I am very careful about various aspects of my daily living habits. When my dog barks at people walking near our front door, I shush her immediately or remove her into a back room where she cannot be disturbed by hallway noise. I do not vacuum too late at night, having experienced the frustrations of living below a frequent vacuumer in the past. I do not talk loudly on my balcony, as I know that the courtyard/pool area echo noise quite readily. I also try to keep any noise away from outside walls that I share with neighbors. On the whole, I'm pretty considerate when it comes to noise.

Likewise, I deal pretty well with noise coming from my neighbors' homes. I complain to my friends or family occasionally about it, but I've never called the cops on anyone and in only one instance left a note about the noise. That note was the nicest note that could be written, as it was regarding dogs barking in the absence of the owners, an issue of which I figured they may not even be aware. I was simply letting them know that their dogs bark for the entire time they are away, non-stop, so perhaps they could look into those citronella or high frequency noise bark collars since they are not home at the time. I followed this note up with a more blunt note a few weeks later when nothing was done and the dogs were still barking at 3am on a Thursday, but that feels a bit more justified. Repeated problem and a very late/early hour of the day. (Also, please note, that months later, their dogs still bark whenever they're gone. I haven't bothered writing another note, nor have I called the cops.)

In all other situations, I might groan a little, but then put in my ear plugs and go back to sleep. My next door neighbors work at a club in Hollywood, so their hours are screwy. I get it. I'm not going to blame them for it. I live in West Hollywood in an apartment building with thin walls and a courtyard that echos. If neighbors were partying daily or even weekly, I might be annoyed (don't they have respect for their apartment neighbors), but the occasional party that goes late (or in my club neighbors cases starts late) is fine. I guess I see it as this - part of living in an apartment building means respecting your neighbors. This means that you are considerate in the amount of noise you produce, but you also have some flexibility with the noise that you tolerate from others.

So the fact that one of you called the cops on my party shortly after midnight on a Friday night is pretty frustrating to me. This is the 2nd party I have ever had in the year and a half I have lived here. On the first party, I decided not to open the door to the balcony because of the risk of noise echo in the courtyard, but on this party, I thought, "you know, I have this awesome balcony that I put Christmas lights on - I want to be able to enjoy it this one time for my holiday party." So I did. And my guests loved it. People were inside and outside all night...well, until the cop came.

I guess what is most frustrating about this is that I have this great apartment with a fabulous balcony, and from the response of you neighbors who called the cops, apparently I cannot use it. It's just for looks.

No, that's not the most frustrating thing. The frustrating thing is that I put up with so much noise because I know that's what life in an apartment is like, yet I cannot have more that 3 people over past midnight, even on a weekend. The frustrating thing is that I have spent a year and a half putting everyone else first, and the one time I decide to just enjoy my apartment with my friends, it is interrupted by cops.

And for anyone thinking I was throwing some big rager - there were 16 guests plus me in my home. That's it. No one was coming and going to create noise in the hallway. We had music on, but were in no way cranking the bass, which is not the case of some of my neighbors' parties in the past.

So thank you, neighbors. You have now made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and nervous to invite more than a few people over to my house, especially if we want to go on the balcony. Not because I'm nervous about legal repercussions from noise complaints, but because it means my neighbors don't respect me and my right to have a group of people at my house for a fun night during the holiday season.

Also, you live in West Hollywood, home to a billion bars and clubs. If you want a sleepy lifestyle without noise, you picked the wrong city.