It started this morning, as I left my apartment. My driveway is blind. I have to look up the street a ways and then time it so that I pull out without any cars in my way. This morning, despite my timing, I pulled out in front of a tiny Mercedes sports car. I hadn't seen it, probably because it was so tiny. I'm also sort of supposing that maybe it turned onto the street between my area of sight and the driveway because I hadn't seen it coming down the street earlier, as I waited. So I pull out of my driveway in front of this car. It honks at me, which I think it totally appropriate. I made a mistake. The mistake was due to the blind drive, but it was still a mistake and could have resulted in an accident. I deserve to be honked at. He sped up next to me to flip me the bird. A little, excessive, in my opinion, but ok. He's shaken up and stressed and wants to take it out on me. Totally fine. Bird accepted. I returned his hate glare with an "I'm sorry, I fucked up" look. Didn't matter. Because, I've already left something out. He didn't just honk at me. He laid on his horn for 3 whole blocks. Just blaring his horn continually. No more danger anywhere. He's just expressing his anger at me, as if I did it on purpose. He (while still blaring his horn) then speeds up more and cuts me off intentionally. Oh, that's good. I scared you into being worried about an accident, so now you're gonna do it back. That's mature. Again, still blaring his horn. He stopped blaring the horn as we turned the corner, but he kept glaring.
Why does that relate to poor perspective taking? Well, if he was good at perspective taking, he would realize it was a mistake and that I was probably just as shaken as he was and realized that laying on his horn was actually making me more distracted and unable to focus on driving. Horn and bird, appropriate. The rest of it, completely uncalled for. (In all honesty, for someone pulling in front of me from a blind drive, I would never flip someone off because that is clearly a case of "they didn't see me - that was a total mistake." The woman yesterday who held up a line of traffic while she waited for a family to load their car with groceries, get everyone strapped into seat belts, start the car, and get out of the parking spot - yes, she deserved the bird, although I didn't give it.)
So instance number two of the day. At the dog park. A woman and her dog came in. The dog was clearly a little fearful, and the woman was echoing this fear. This is never a good combo. Apparently the dog had been bitten before, so she was trying to socialize her, but her own fear was clearly going to get in the way. So my very sweet and gentle dog went up to "say hi" in her dog way. Smelled her a little on her face, which the dog was fine with. Then went to smell the back end, you know, as dog's do. The dog was not ok with this, which is fine, but the dog got excitable and snappy, which made Ava think the dog wanted to play. So she did an excited play bow with a wagging tail, which in universal dog language is non-threatening, but to a frightened dog can still be scary. Here is where a dog owner who has theory of mind for the dogs would come in and try to help alleviate her dog's fear and help her relearn that this is safe behavior. Instead, this woman who has no theory of mind or ability to read dog behavior echoed her dog's fear and got protective, trying to step in between her dog and Ava. Then Ava got really riled up (but in a totally playful way) and started her "play with me" bark. Yes, she has "play with me" bark, and it sounds different and is coupled with her play bow and wagging tail. I wouldn't expect a stranger to know it by tone, but the play bow and wagging tail make it pretty obvious. Pretty simple, really. As soon as the bark happened, the woman put her leash on her dog and pushed Ava away and said, "ENOUGH, GO AWAY." I tried to explain that Ava was playing and pointed out her wagging tail, and the woman said in an angry tone of voice "my dog has been bitten before. This is NOT ok." She stormed off so quickly I couldn't even share my own dog attack story to try to alleviate her fears and show that dogs can be ok after attacks.
Seriously, lady. Why would you bring your dog to a dog park if you're not ok with normal dog behavior? Your dog is going to always be scared of dogs if you keep reinforcing fear of normal dog play. As the owner of a dog who has been attacked before, I completely understand some fear, and I'm always on guard in dog parks and very aware of other dog's behavior. But I also didn't want her to become a scared dog because honestly, scared dogs are dogs that end up attacking others (in defensive mode). I truly wonder what she was expecting to happen at a dog park if normal dog play is too much for her? Maybe she'll take some dog socialization classes aimed at helping dogs be around other dogs. But likely, she'll continue to be an over-protective owner who thinks everyone else's dog is out to get her.
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